the courtface

I was thinking today, about my ring; actually, to tell the truth, I was grumbling because of it. I was at work, and my ring finger was aching, right at the knuckle, from the weight and thickness of the ring. This is a fairly regular occurrance, especially when I’m working, so normally it doesn’t bother me. But today, it made me angry. This stupid ring is more trouble than it’s worth! I told myself. And I took it off.

I could see the mark where my finger had been squeezed as it swelled under pressure and heat. I grumbled, popped my finger, massaged out the kinks. Then I picked up the offending metal band and turned it over in my hand.

“Love ♥ Waits”

I’d wanted a purity ring for a long time. Finally I caved and bought myself one (since I can be picky about my jewelry), and proudly wore it wherever I went. It took some getting used to— I’ve never worn a ring on my left hand, much less on that particular finger— and it was thicker than I’d expected. Still, I wore it. I was enamored with it, and I believed strongly in that simple message: love waits. 

There are a lot of things that that means to me, besides the obvious message regarding abstinence and purity (both body and soul), but that’s for another post. My point is, I was struglgling with this ring, this physical representation of my commitment to myself, my future husband, and to God. It was a tangible burden to me. But I realized, then, the similarity: that the choice itself is a burden. Remaining pure is a real struggle, especially in my mind and heart. Those are the secret places where no one else can see, and it is easy to give in to lustful temptations. I have failed many times, and my heart is always chasing after temporary satisfaction. Only through repentance and God’s constant renewal am I able to maintain even a measure of purity.

Thinking about it in that way only strengthened my resolve to keep wearing my ring. If I think of it as I should, like a real symbol of my commitment and not just a conversation piece or a pretty accessory, then it becomes much more meaningful, and a burden I will gladly bear. I take so many things for granted and often just go through the motions, but I want God to change my heart and desires until I long to be with Him alone. I am willing to wait, not because I have to, not because I feel like I have no choice, not because I feel inadequate and unworthy of someone’s human love, but because I love myself and I love my God. The love I want to share with my husband is the love that my Heavenly Father shares with me. God is love; I want to love as He loves.

And love waits. 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8b

I don’t even know where to begin. My head is a muddled and confused mess, and when one thing begins to make sense three more seem to pop up and make things more complicated. I would say there are no words to describe how I feel, but there are. Frustrated is one that comes to mind; hurt is another. Confused, definitely.

But I also feel grateful— mostly for people, certain individuals who have made this whole thing bearable at the very least. They know who they are (at least, I hope they do) so I won’t name names, but these people have been essential on my not going crazy. They have been a great comfort to me, an encouragement in a time when I feel like the whole ministry could use it; theyve been a sounding board where I can vent without fear of judgement; they have kept me in the loop as much as possible, treated me with respect and my opinions as if they matter; on ocassion, they have even spoken up on my behalf, have fought for me.

To these people I must say a most heartfelt thank you, for doing everything you have. Thank you for being such loving and devoted brothers and sisters to me. Thank you for being patient, understanding, and faithful. Above all, thank you for being the wonderful people that God has made you all to be. Thank you for being used by the best Friend a person can have. Whether you know it or not, you have made an impact on me and I am constantly amazed by your capacity to love.

Never change— except to become even more like He who loves us unconditionally. I can already feel His Heart through each one of you.

milliejames:

This diagram has been going around the drama department lately.  It is completely true.

I will be a man!

Jesus’s parable about the shrewd manager is a strange one. At first I didn’t really get it; why was Jesus saying to be like this dishonest manager? The manager was about to be fired for mismanagement, and he didn’t even know how much his master’s debtors owed. On top of that, he cut their bills and didn’t even bother collecting everything that was owed his master. It seems like he was a poor employee and an even poorer friend; but the master praised him for being “shrewd”, and even Jesus used the man as a positive example. It didn’t really make sense to me until I thought about it more. There was a connection to what Jesus was saying, even if I didn’t see it at first.

The man was making friends for himself. It was a nice move for the debtors, but a terrible business plan; yet he was gaining himself favors, and people who would remember his kindness to them and welcome him when he found himself jobless. The master saw this, and even though he was losing money himself, he recognized the ability of his manager to, at the very least, look after himself.

While Jesus did not condone that sort of behavior, he saw what the master in the parable saw. He said, “For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light” (8). The man was working at a very basic level, using his survival instincts and (what I would call) cunning. But he knew the value of a person to support him when he needed it. He knew he could not survive on his own.

In the same way, Christians cannot survive on our own. Our very faith is built on relying on God for our every need. But speaking in a more practical way, we need to make friends here on Earth to work with, serve, and support— friends who can do the same for us. Jesus said, “I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings” (9). He wasn’t saying make alliances with everyone you meet; he wasn’t suggesting we bribe people to garner favors for ourselves. Jesus wants us to love other people, to serve them, and to raise them as His disciples. He wants us to build lasting relationships with one another and to use our resources to do it. 

These “resources” don’t have to be money or possessions, even, although Jesus stresses the significance of sacrificially serving with what we physically possess. This “worldly wealth” he speaks of  can also include things like time, prayer support, talents and abilities, and ministerial positions. As for me, I have quite a lot that makes me wealthy— in fact, one of my old testimonies was written about how rich I was in Christ. As a college student I don’t have much money or many things that I can give. But I have many other things going for me: my potential for growth, both in school, at work, and in ministry; my youth, and my health; my ability to sing and praise and worship with our church; my compassion for people and willingness to serve in practical ways. 

I was thinking, specifically, about how my car is not the fastest, or the cleanest; but it is reliable and has just enough room to take a small amount of cargo and a handful of people. It gets good mileage and has carried me back and forth to school for four years with only one major problem. I have driven to conferences, and served many friends by giving them rides back and forth to school, work, church, and even the grocery store. Though it feels like a small contribution, even through this small act I have been able to build relationships with people, especially sisters like Kati, Sarah Jung, Hye Rim, and Tori.

This is but one example, but it is surprising how even this small thing has had an impact on me. I want to continue to devote my time, my heart, and even my meager resources to helping build others up and create lasting, Godly relationships with people. 

I’m going to miss Borders. It’ll be a sad day when they close down and never open again. I’ve really enjoyed being a patron of theirs and it’s tough to watch them go. I can always shop somewhere else but the atmosphere just isn’t the same. Borders has been a big part of my life and I am very sad to see it go under. I honestly won’t go back to the mall without it there, except for movies and such. It just won’t be the same anymore. There’s nothing left to draw me in.

Maybe I’m being overdramatic, but I don’t really care. I’ll miss that store. I’ll miss the people there. It has been an honor and a joy serving the book community, not just as a shopper but as an employee, too. Holiday retail is the worst, but Borders was always a fun place to be.

I hope one day another store will rise in its place and shape the minds and hearts of people, not just as a store but as a part of the community; one that affects people’s lives and hearts and not just their wallets. Even with all its faults, I feel like the store made an impact in my life and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Goodbye, Borders, old friend. You will be sorely missed.

animalsbeingdicks:

Barry was never a fan of fireworks, so he was determined to show his people just how dangerous they could be. 

This is like my favorite AFV moment. EVER. 

I am sick of heat.

I’m sick of the a/c breaking.

I’m sick of not having anything to do.

I’m sick of summer drama. 

I’m sick of low hours at work.

I’m sick of sadness and disappointment.

Is it fall yet? Are the leaves changing? Are cool winds approaching from the east? 

Nope. Still summer. When will this wretched season end?!

I went back to the park where we used to sit and talk for hours.
We’d laugh and make our plans. We swore that we’d be friends forever.
But oh how things change. Did you see this coming? It caught me off guard.
I never thought I’d see you forsake your first love.

Chorus:
It’s been such a long long time since we have talked.
It’s been such a long long time since we’ve seen eye to eye.
We used to feel the same. It’s obvious to me:
We dreamt the same dreams but now you’re awake
But I’m still sleeping.

Winter’s in the air and the wind it stings like ice, or
Maybe those are just the tears freezing in my eyes. I
Wish I could see you and tell you nothing’s changed.
The God you once loved with all of your heart
Stayed the same, stayed the same, stayed the same

Chorus

I’m still sleeping
I’m still sleeping
I’m still sleeping… 

———————

For Shane, Tara, and others who have lost the way: I still love you, pray for you, and believe in you. 

You know what? I have just realized that I need to draw more. I kinda miss it, even though I’m not very good! XD Mostly I just draw stupid characters from stories I never finish but..

Hm hm hm. Soon as this symposium stuff is over with, I think I’ll start doodling again. :)

mols:

Read More

Excerpt: 

“The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life of which I spoke at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being told.”

First of all, I am an idiot. Lord love me, but I am. I do the same thing every time— freak out, freak out, try to do things by myself, get stressed, freak out some more. And then one moment of earnestness and the situation changes dramatically. (I’ll warn you now, this is hardly coherent at all but there is a point. I really just want to write this down before I forget.)

I’ve been so stressed out about this Joshua symposium thing. I hate Joshua. Well… not hate. Hate is a strong word. But it’s not my favorite. It’s all about battles and being courageous and that’s all well and good but it doesn’t apply to me a whole lot, at least at the moment. I’ve been struggling through the whole darned book, and we’ve been in and out of it for months, and I have been MISERABLE. I don’t know what about Joshua sets me off, but it’s like my spiritual brain just shut down. I’ve been coasting (which is never good; idleness and a lukewarm spirit go hand in hand) and it’s always hard to break that and push yourself to do better. Especially if you’re lazy. Like me.

Anyway, the only passage that has spoken to me this whole time was Joshua 7, involving Achan’s sin and subsequent stoning. An odd passage, I know, but Joshua’s honest prayer spoke to me. He was very forthcoming about his feelings and confusion, and yet still had faith in God. I’ve been struggling with prayer a lot lately. I feel like God doesn’t hear me. I feel like it’s pointless, that I’m talking to air. I come to people with problems and they’re always saying “Pray, pray! Pray about it!” and really, that just made me angry because I was praying and nothing was happening. What else did God want from me? I was doing everything I could, so the fault must lie with Him. I’ve even had extreme doubts about whether I really believed He was there or not. It’s easy to explain away past experiences, almost as if we’re in a dreamlike state and can’t remember what was reality and what we made up in our heads. 

But I realized how wrong I had been, and though I didn’t pray much more often, when I did pray it was always with that reminder to be honest. God knows our hearts and minds anyway, so what use is keeping things from him? I had my first honest “fight” with Him one night in the shower. I remember being angry; angry about my father’s job situation and being frustrated with life in general and feeling unloved, and a whole lot of unresolved issues that had been knotted up inside me. I just stood there and cried and confessed everything I was feeling in one big shaking-my-fist-at-the-sky tirade, and the more I cried out just to feel His presence the more at peace I felt. Even while I cried I knew that I was being held, and I could feel Him crying with me. It was painful, but it was also beautiful experience and I had been craving that closeness for so long.

After that, I prayed more honestly. I told God what I was feeling and what I needed… but my greatest pitfall overtook me again. While the earnestness of my prayer was meant to keep me from being so formulaic about prayer, I fell into that pattern again. It was always:  ”be honest; don’t use flowery words; be like Joshua.” But I wasn’t being like Joshua; Joshua approached God with the mindset of God’s glory being first. Even when he struggled, he asked God, “What then will you do for your own great name?” He knew the fault was with Israel, possibly even with Him; but he had faith that God himself was faithful and would work things in His favor. I had forgotten that part. My prayers had changed but my heart had not.

So on and on I struggled with the symposium message, because God wasn’t answering my prayers. I couldn’t even begin to write. I kept struggling on, not even knowing what I was struggling against. And I broke down again. I couldn’t take it anymore. In frustration I cried out to God, “I don’t even know what to pray! I don’t know what I need! How can I pray? What do I do?” And I cried again. I was tired and frustrated, and I have to work in the morning and couldn’t find peace, and nothing I did was right and I’d screwed up again and—

Suddenly, Joshua 7:9 came back to me. It hit me all at once. I started to laugh. I started to cry. It was a very conflicting moment. I realized I had been such a fool with my formulaic prayers; I traded one structure for another but nothing internally had changed. Prayer isn’t about words. It isn’t what you say or don’t say. Prayer is your heart; it is seeking God with earnestness and the innocent, child-like expectation that something will happen. I realized it was my faith that needed strengthening, not changing our style of conversation. I thought I had been doing the right thing but again I let my human understanding mold God into someone to fit my expectations. I can’t keep trying to carry God in my pocket. 

I don’t know why God loves me the way that He does. Even though the situations change, my one basic struggle is always the same: everything has to fit within the realm of my understanding. God continually, defiantly breaks out of the box human reason has tried to force him into, and I am grateful for who He is and who I am coming to understand Him to be. The REAL and AWESOME GOD.

I am a fool. An expectantly human fool, but a fool nonetheless. I am so blessed that God faithfully, patiently takes me back.